Financial security is definitely a dream to a lot of kids.
I was talking to my wife about the feeling of underachieving relative to unrealistic childhood goals, and she mentioned that she never thought she was smart or special enough as a child to dream of being THE anything. Like she wanted to work in science, but never took that to mean that she wanted to be THE one to get famous curing cancer or writing a Malcom Gladwell-type book or running her own lab.
I, of course, think she is the most special genius I know, and I think she’d do a great job in any of those situations, but the depressingly realistic expectations she set out of lower self-confidence as a kid have now served her well in terms of job and life satisfaction. It made me sad to hear and angry at her parents for not communicating that she was and is exceptional, but I am also sad and angry that I am not the next Bob Dylan with a universal acceptance of my genius and no need to do anything but write poetry and receive accolades. At the same time, I’d hate to actually live on the road and/or have the life of most ultra-famous writers, but I still feel like I’ve betrayed my childhood potential by not doing so and by being unremarkable.
Hard to say if that disappointment is worse than growing up without being told you even could achieve something like that. My wife is healthy now, but had a lot of shit she had to overcome in her childhood and adult mental health journeys, and while/since I have as well, I don’t think we’ll ever get answers about every different thing that affects our current and past contentedness. So I am just left with the contradictory disappointments of having failed to live up to grand self-determined goals and that no one ever told my wife she could set hers like the incredible person, thinker, and worker she is–even knowing that just may have led to her feeling my current disappointment in place of any she felt as a child.
Long and complicated, no resolution, it’s just been weird to see and think about our two very different experiences.
I just wanted to not end up living on a park bench eating cat food.
Nailed it!
