idk if this is even remotely comparable or helpful, but back in the day I did a lot of larping and we found that many women are heavily, heavily conditioned not to throw a punch (or, in this case swing a sword) under any circumstances. Made it very hard for them to learn to fight. So a big part of onboarding women, among others, was helping them break through this cultural indoctrination that they couldn’t hit people. We had hte advantage of using foam bats, and the general thing was “This thing is built so safe that you literally cannot harm me with it as long as you’re hitting me in the torso and not the head. Just keep smacking me until you don’t have to think about it.” Like in our case we were trying to break down this idea that physical aggression was both impossible and, idk, like, a lot of women (among others) had this internalized idea that any physical aggression, sometimes any physical exertion, was “wrong”, like a societal expectation that women must be passive and shit, but extremely internalized.

So a lot of it was like “look you physically can do this, and we’re going to help put you in a safe, controlled environment where you can practice until it starts to feel natural.”

And, honestly, a lot of people, once they started to break down and discard that conditioning, they loved it. Fun fact; Many women, once they throw off the burden of societal programming, turn out to be barely controllable berserkers who need to be politely reminded not to try to actually kill their sparring partners.

So I guess my advice would be to try to find a context that feels safer, and practice until it feels safe, until it doesn’t feel like an internal contradiction with your self image. Like, idea, get a rattan stick or a shinai and practice clean, controlled strikes on a soft target like a bag or a sand bag or something. Just do it over and over again, like you’re chopping wood or cleaning a rug, and focus on being mindful of the motion, on control and follow through and hte mechanics of twisting your hips and dropping your arms to put power in to the swing, be mindful of that and try to remain present and away from the past. All much easier said than done, but that’s the best I’ve got based on my experience.

I guess another part of it was creating a positive, supporting environment where the idea that everyone could be a warrior, and that was cool and good and supported and respectable, that probably helped too. Like people were in this place where all these weirdos wearing armor or painted green or whatever were being positive and supportive, and it created this space outside society where, for once, you didn’t have to do what society expected because society was out there and we were in here making our own world. Idk where to go for that kind of departure from the “real” world though. Well, actually, maybe if there’s a LARP group like Amtgard or Hearthlight in your area you could look them up, see if there’s anything that clicks. You’re gonna find people int hat environment, people who have endured abuse, who can relate to your situation and have gone through similar things. A lot of people end up in combat larps specifically because they’re trying to work out how they feel about past abusive situations. That said, if it doesn’t feel right bail, there’s plenty of shitheads in LARP groups and not every group is chill.

Reading Berserk gave me some new perspectives on violence. Or really it just gave my existing perspectives some nice graphics to look at. In the series, the protagonist experiences horrific things from the moment he’s born, and he loses what little hope he found several times. He sets on a life quest of extreme violence to get vengeance, but quickly realizes that all it does is makes him feel empty and depressed and alone. But he later finds kindness and love in new friends and family and repurposed his violence to preserve that.

We all should seek peace and kindness in our life. But that doesn’t mean we must accept evil being inflicted on us or others. And sometimes the only way to preserve or create that peace and kindness is through violence. Don’t get intoxicated by violence and don’t make it your purpose in life, but if you find yourself in such a situation, then the person threatening that harmony must be disabled or put down like a rabid animal if necessary.

Alternatively, consider abuse and self defense as a microcosm of war time conditions. During war, we cannot prioritize re-educating the enemy. They will either be imprisoned or shot. Once you are in peace time, and the threat is far away from you, then you can consider forgiveness and re-education and reintegration.

Kwame Ture replies to an “opinion on non-violence” with just one question

this might be terrible advice. Maybe since you have PTSD you are dealing with your body going into freeze mode when threatened, but you really need to get more fight mode. Practicing hitting for real and sparring will definitely help condition you to automatically respond when threatened, i have experienced this when i’ve been forced to self defend. It is automatic now.

I think just build up to making it feel safe to spar and feel angry. I feel like when i was stuck in feeling frozen from PTSD, i wouldn’t even let myself feel anger because it was too dangerous for me, so maybe you’re in the same place? Yeesh i’m terrible at this.

If you can’t imagine hurting them over self-defense, maybe try imagining hurting them over some imagined defense of others. When sparring, as long as you’ve got safety equipment on, you’re good to go. it’s great practice for learning. If it’s too real to think of it as real self defense, just think of it as a fun game like fencing to get yourself into it, that lets your body learn how to move and gets your brain time to warm up to the idea of actually hurting another person.

You could try reading some black panther’s theory about self defense and seeing if any sticks with you into why it’s good actually to be ready to hit back. I’m kicking myself because i don’t remember exactly the title i’m thinking of, but Black Against Empire is great, or maybe it was Against Civility. transcript.

Anyway, here’s “In defense of self defense” by comrade Huey Newton

“the oppressor has no rights that the oppressed is bound to respect. Kill the slavemaster, destroy him utterly, move against him with implacable fortitude. Break his oppressive power by any means necessary.”