I feel there is very little we can do individually to change people’s minds or turn them away from fascism, or even to get them to stop turning their own brains into soup, but you can still show them there are consequences to their actions.
Telling my own friends / relations what I think of them and cutting ties with them has done nothing to bring them back in line with normal human values, but at least I am not burdened with the guilt of my association, and maybe one day enough people will cut them off that the loneliness gets to them and they begin to re-evaluate their lives.
It is literally the least I can do. Any sadness I felt was heartbreak that they could be so shitty to begin with.
It will have been ten years since I cut off my blood in October; but it’s like I say-- none of my contact info has changed. My phone number is still the same. If any of them wanted to hear from me, they could’ve, any time in the last ten years… And they never have. As it sits right now, I have no reason to care. As it sits right now, the next call I get from them better not be “so and so is sick and needs you to come out”; 'cause I’m finna get real petty if that’s the next thing I hear. "So you only wanna hear from me when you need something" type beats. Same as they would’ve done to me.
Some people just can’t be claimed.
There’s a middle path that’s being overlooked in this post. We can flexibly move closer/ draw away as people and relationships change, because people and relationships are always changing.This strategy leaves us in a more powerful position. And some changes in opinion/ politics, in my opinion, don’t even need to register. I’m not 100% responsible for my dumbass friends. Maybe like 15% responsible.
I’m not saying NEVER cut anyone out, but defaulting to cutting people out results in a lot of dysfunction. The most abusive friend I ever had would just chop people off and smear their reputations over any level of disagreement, and I was complicit in that. Looking back, it was as if they had 0 doubts or flexibility about their beliefs.
Because I’m very agreeable, I was last to be cut out. Then, they were alone. I had to spend a lot of time unlearning the black and white thinking and bad habits I picked up from them. Thought I would share so you don’t make the mistakes I did.
ive seen many people completely change their views when faced with the possibility of never seeing their kids or grandkids again, like real genuine change not just faking it, like going from homophobic to having many queer friends. social shame and osterization works, extremely well. i know lots of people say it can make things worse but idk, in my life it works really really well. maybe its an either ot thing, like its gonna make it better or worse, maybe methods vary for different people.
I think it’s a useful way to tell whether or not people actually care. When it comes down to the wire of “bye bye seeya again never”, a person who actually cares but has bad ideas will at least make change-like noises when confronted with never seeing someone again. Actual bastards will fall back on more hateful garbage, I find.
this is a really complex topic that is case-by-case to the extreme. generally necessary for people who are actively abusive as a pattern, definitely. but i’ve been cut off by people for pretty normal conflicts and it is deeply hurtful and can leave lasting psychological scars. also had people slow-ghost my friendship without explanation. unless someone is really actively harming me and they mean something to me, i do tend toward thinking i owe the people in my life shit. at least some kind of closure or explanation if a friendship or relationship ends. but i tend to try to keep the connect alive to the extent it’s possible and extend my love and energy toward them.
also it seems like a lot of self-help pop psychology is normalizing cutting people out in a way that seems to be an uncritical default to atomization and away from communal responsibility. again this is super complicated and really can’t be boiled down to a singular rule of thumb.
I do feel this. I’ve had long term friends just ghost me after a disagreement. It’s painful to the point of traumatic.
That said, people I’m about to break up with a friend, family member, or partner, they have a fuck ton of warning it’s gonna happen. It’s a bit like a job, where people deserve escalated warnings before just getting their keycard locked out. I try to be very explicit too, like “X thing makes me not enjoy hanging out with you and I don’t want to be your friend”. And said friends and family always have some avenue for apologies, maybe we’re not friends on Facebook but they know my email.
For instance, I’ve given my parents 7 years to apologise. They still have my email, which they only use for birthday wishes. (I’ve told them to stop). They’re just far too self centred to care about feelings outside their own. I’m a happier, more grounded person for having zero hope with them.
I try to be very explicit too, like “X thing makes me not enjoy hanging out with you and I don’t want to be your friend”. And said friends and family always have some avenue for apologies, maybe we’re not friends on Facebook but they know my email.
yeah on its face this seems fair, you’re at least giving some kind of explanation which i think is more than many would do. and also leaving yourself open to receiving an apology is more leeway than a lot of situations where there’s ghosting/cutting off so it sounds like you’re in a healthy place with this kind of stuff.
This, i almost ghosted my best friend 7 years ago because of the refugee crisis in europe birthed a ton of arguments between us and i really started to hate his guts but thankfully he did his due research and now at least acknowledges that most of the world’s troubles come from capitalism and the US empire. I don’t feel like i need to cut off the people who i still dont agree, i just keep them at a safe distance.
You can’t do this if you’re financially dependent on them. And with the state of the global economy, yeah…
I’d genuinely rather be homeless than rely on the blood that fucked me up in the first place lmao
