__ghost__
If my experience can help someone else it will feel less like needless suffering lol
What you call “fundamental incompatibility” is something everyone experiences. Even the “normal” people (they don’t exist btw. This is part of the reason I prefer the terms neurotypical and neurodivergent because “typical” and “divergent” can describe a range of phenotypes rather than some binary system that only serves extremes). For a stark example, someone who is religious is less likely to want to be with a person that’s not religious. That doesn’t mean that the secular person in this example should torture themselves with “why couldn’t I just believe in God so I could be with this person?”
That vulnerability cliff hurts a lot more to those people with trauma or atypical brains (kind of the same thing but I’m not going into those weeds). The really difficult part is telling that part of your brain it’s okay to feel those things. Personally I avoid every emotion I could possibly exhibit ever to avoid attention, which I associate with humiliation even when the attention is good. The deprogramming starts with observing your reactions and learning to unburden your system from these protective jobs. Strongly encourage you to look into IFS because it probably saved my life
Focusing on your last comment:
I guess you’ll have to take me at my word, but I used to be a semi-normal (or at least could very easily pass as neurotypical) person.
You’re probably familiar with the term “masking.” Whether it’s something systemic and unstable like the pandemic, personal relationships failing, or otherwise, eventually your system hits a critical point. Your system sort of exhausts itself from the act it’s playing, that mask falls off and the system freaks out because now everyone can see it’s different. Saying that you were a “semi-normal” person tells me you still struggle seeing yourself as defective or lesser because you feel things, or you can’t handle stresses you could before. I think after that demasking happens, either the first time ever or as an adult, it’s hard to accept you can’t go back to pretending your brain operates within the typical range
At the end of the day I’m talking through a lot of my process and experiences, and I don’t expect that all of this applies to you. However I do understand what it feels like to have that supreme lack of confidence in who you are because of a perceived regression. So I will tell you nothing is ever perfect but it does improve over time when you do the work
A couple of years ago I broke up with my high school girlfriend after 10 years. I’ve dated a couple of people since then with similar issues
One woman let me down pretty easy and I felt super rejected. Like the ruminate-about-every-interaction rejection that led to a deep 8+ month depression. That made me realize that the rejection and strong emotions aren’t really about the other person. It’s that part of your brain that’s been told you’re weird, different, difficult, unlikeable, unlovable getting that rush of itoldyouso dopamine
Another I felt really close to but she ghosted me. I’d only ghosted one woman because she was super clingy and unhealthy, but after having it done to me I realize that’s a terrible thing to do to someone. About a year later I ended up talking to her about it and apologizing which was admittedly extremely difficult. But she appreciated it a lot
Now that I’ve decided to use this post as a personal therapeutic outlet: a big reason I think I have so many issues dating, being vulnerable, commitment, etc (other than trauma) is that I’m uncomfortable with my sexuality. Every time I find someone I’m attracted to, I think about having to tell them about being bi (if that’s what I am idk I think I’m a freak). Then I want to curl into the fetal position and never be open to those feelings again
Embarrassment, humiliation, shame; all of these emotions are ways that we’re conditioned as children to conform to expected behavior. This is especially difficult for neurodivergent people. At that stage we have these big emotions we can’t control but they’re interpreted as burdensome or embarrassing to parents or other adults. It’s easy to see where that conditioning forms into the impulse to do everything the “right way.” In order to avoid being rejected or humiliated, instead you have a part of you that protects your sensitive self by forcing itself into a suffocating mould
Our brains are wired in this neurospicy way where we feel very deeply about things neurotypical people don’t give credence to. I think you’re past the first step where you understand that your brain works a certain way. Now it’s learning how to protect those sensitive parts of you while still making progress on goals like relationships
Anyway I just wish you the best
Slightly unrelated to the post, but I’d like some community opinions on how “chasers” are characterized. My general understanding is chasers are trans-attracted (typically men) and view trans people as objects for their own gratification
Not a libertarian but I’d buy a butt plug I could incorporate into my gaming
It’s not that I’m considering transitioning as much as I’m heavily questioning who I am and reconciling how I present with my sexuality and who I’m attracted to. The idea of presenting as anything but cis male is terrifying to me, but there’s obviously something going on there idk