WhatAnOddUsername [any]
I’ve uninstalled the addicting idle games from my phone and haven’t broken in and reinstalled them since Tuesday. Hopefully I’m able to keep that up for a while.
I’ve made a rule for myself that, every time I sit down at my computer, I have to write at least one sentence in my masters thesis before doing anything else. It seems to be causing me to get at least a bit of work done, although nothing ever feels like it’s happening fast enough.
I just found out the rumours of JD Vance fucking a couch were made up. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am. As a couchfucker myself, I was hoping to finally be able to vote for someone who represents my interests. Sadly, I will no longer be voting for Trump/Vance this election.
If I had a nickel every time a Kennedy lost part of their brain, I’d have at least 4 nickels by now.
I was on an ostensibly leftist subreddit thread about Biden stepping down, and there were liberals talking about how Kamala is too risky because she’s not a white man, or because she’s otherwise too progressive to appeal to undecided voters. They’re wringing their hands about how even Kamala is too progressive and they should go with a conservative white guy instead.
But, I thought Biden was the only one capable of defeating Trump and anyone who disagreed was a secret Republican who wanted Trump to win?
Well, don’t worry, Biden supporters. I’ve taken your arguments to heart, and you can rest assured that I’ll write in Biden this fall, no matter who the Democrats decide to run. It’s the only way to defeat Trump.
This is such a weird little thing, but I write in an online journal app every day, and I had the thought last night, “What if I played with the font and text to make it pink and feminine-looking?”
This feels like a joke, and maybe it sounds like a joke, but for some reason, typing with a pink, slightly-more-girly font made me feel a bit “lighter”. It is so weird. For some reason, I have this association between visually customizing the everyday things around you (e.g. using colourful pens and notebooks, putting stickers on things) as being very “girly”, in a way that I used to avoid, and am, deep into my adulthood, finally starting to embrace.
spoiler
It kinda bugs me that the transition/gender discussion is so binary, I think it’s causing a lot of trouble for you.
Probably. But I also feel a bit paralyzed by the sheer variety of options available. I’m fortunate to live in what might be one of the least transphobic parts of the world, where medical transition is (at least partly) covered by public health care, and I’m failing to take advantage of it as a result of my own fear.
Probably just dysphoric enough to justify a spoiler tag, just in case
So. Unlike everyone else in this thread, I’m in an annoying questioning state where I’m not about transitioning (mtf) just yet. There’s still a lot about my gender identity that I’m just not sure about.
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I feel like I’m not married to the term “man”, certainly not as much as a lot of men seem to be. Yet, when I see things online attacking “men” in general in a way that I see as being a little bit unfair, it’s hard not to internalize that. So, for example, a recent meme about men being more dangerous than bears. It’s not that I don’t understand the reasoning behind it or that I’m “offended” by it exactly. But it’s hard not to be a little sad at the fact that, insofar as I am perceived as male, I am by default perceived as an unlovable and dangerous subhuman monster. I could take this as evidence that I don’t want to be a man and that I should transition, but is “not wanting to be a man” enough to pull the trigger on a medical transition? It feels like I should be running TOWARDS something I want, not just AWAY from something I hate.
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There are a lot of boxes on the “Incel” checklist that describe me, e.g. loneliness, lack of deep friendships or romantic partnerships, spending far too much time on the internet. When I read advice for guys in this kind of situation, it tends to be very similar, obvious-but-annoying-and-difficult things, e.g. taking care of your health, introspection, journaling, meditation, finding social hobbies, etc. When I read this lists, I get a bit annoyed and exhausted. And yet, it becomes a bit more bearable if I think of myself as something other than a man, e.g. “Get a hobby” feels like scolding cliche self-help advice, yet “Get a hobby, but trans” feels less bad for some weird unexplainable reason (even if I don’t actually do anything different).
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A lot of discussions I can find about trans identity talk, explicitly or implicitly, about how a person feels “inside”, e.g. what gender do they feel like they are? I don’t know if I feel like anything in particular. When I’m filling out forms and it has the option, I usually answer “nonbinary” or something similar. I was playing an online game where you can customize your appearance, and the default avatar was a featureless, not particularly gendered, cute looking cartoon person. I tried making it look like how I actually look, but then I realized, “Wait, I kind of prefer the featureless androgynous humanoid cartoon – that’s closer to what I actually feel like”. If you asked me how I imagine myself inside, the honest and silly answer is that I feel like a “Scrimblo Bimblo”-type genderless cartoon/video game character. I’m not 100% sure if “woman” is the right label for me, but I’m not totally against it either – it just feels odd. I will say, when I see happy women, either alone or in relationships, I feel a tinge of envy, and that strikes me as a sign that I prefer the idea of being a woman more than the idea of being a man. I keep thinking to myself “I can’t transition because I’d be an ugly woman”, which I am well aware is a classic thing for trans women to tell themselves before transitioning. The prospect of medically transitioning and still identifying as nonbinary is… frightening, but fear seems like a bad reason not to do it.
At this point, I’ve been ruminating on this so long that it feels like I’m being annoying and indecisive, like I want you to make the decision for me. I realize that’s a silly thing to want (but, like, could you? Because that would be GREAT!) so perhaps the best I can hope for is that writing this is a useful exercise for me.
So I would try and ask, and solve, the question of “What do I want to do instead of looking at screens all day,”
So, that’s kind of the conclusion I came to, which is why I wrote all those words up there – to give context for why I’m asking the question I’m asking. From my original post:
Whenever I give up one addiction, I end up picking up another. This suggests to me that there is a deeper need here that is going unaddressed. It suggests that simple techniques to get rid of a habit (e.g. “Try deleting the game from your phone!”) aren’t sufficient in the long term. But I’m not sure what to do about that.
What I am looking for, if it exists and if anyone can attest that they’ve found it useful, is a structured workbook or similar resource that would help me to work through the nontrivial question of what deeper need I have to address.
