It was so sudden… He wasn’t young. He wasn’t in great health. But still, seeing this man who I had so much fun with just a week prior lay motionless on the floor was not something I was prepared for, to say the least.
When I got the bad news a couple of days ago, I felt absolutely nothing. And I hated myself for it. When I got there, I had to fake every emotion. Put on a sad face, keep your head down, act like how a normal person would in this situation. Even seeing his dead body didn’t make me feel anything. It just felt like another normal day. I kept asking myself: How come the death of someone I love so much doesn’t affect me? What’s wrong with me? Am I a psychopath?
The next day, while I was going through files on his computer, it all hit me. He really was gone, and he’s not coming back. Never again would we laugh together about some dumb movie we watched. Never again would we talk about video games we’ve been playing. Or shoot random Gravity Falls references at each other. Or argue about Lord of the Rings lore. I lost such an amazing friend, a man who gave so much of his soul to me. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard in my entire life. It’s a relief to know I’m not insane. I could barely finish writing this paragraph because I begun crying again.
One thing I learned is that five stages of grief is not just some pop-psych nonsense, It is completely real. And let me tell you: Bargaining really fucks with you. It’s an endless cycle of questions that cannot be answered. What if we met just a bit more frequently? What if I gave him this gift just a couple of days earlier? What if I’d given him a phone call on the day it happened? Is there any set of circumstances that could have saved him? And for how long? And all that blame… How much of it was my fault? All of it? None of it? I have no idea. My brain has turned into a soup of contradicting emotions. All I can do right now is to distract myself so as to not think about it too much.
I guess now I have Depression to look forward to. Awesome. I must get through this.
Don’t know why I felt the need to write this on here, but here it is. Thank you for reading.
My condolences comrade, your father seemed like a great guy, I wish mine was even half as awesome as you portray yours here.
Don’t beat yourself for not feeling the way you’re “supposed” to, it is perfectly normal to have the shock of losing him only impact you later on. I lost my grandmother earlier this month (in fact the funeral is today). I was unbelievably close to her since I live at her house and lived with her for the majority of my life; but despite this I didn’t cry during her illness while her health declined so quickly, I didn’t cry when she died… I only cried when her body was taken away (which was surprisingly late because of the shitty way home-hospitalisation is organised in France), but when I did it was the most I’ve ever cried in my life. All this to say, I feel you comrade.
When I got the bad news a couple of days ago, I felt absolutely nothing. And I hated myself for it.
1st. Condolences.
2nd. Everyone processes grief differently. You are not obligated to “look sad” and don’t let anyone try to foist that onto you. You only get to process the passing of a loved one once and nobody should try to dictate how you do that.
I’ve lost my little brother and my father both suddenly (drug overdose and suicide). I know exactly the feeling you’re talking about. With my father I had an immediate breakdown because I found out during a time I was just trying to contact him and someone else answered saying he shot himself. Then 2 months of nothing and even 8 years later I still occasionally just feel like the floor drops out from under me.
With my brother I was on the phone with police who had been called to his house for a welfare check, they couldn’t find him so I got a bunch of people to start calling around and trying to find him in jails, hospitals or friends houses. Then I just get a call saying they found his body in a closet on the porch.
Again immediate breakdown, then nothing, then laughter and anger for days, morbid jokes. Had to drive halfway across the country to get his affairs in order. The whole time it was just business and trying to figure out what happened. Now 8 months out, it just comes seemingly at random. I’ll be driving and see something I think he would find funny and get that immediate reaction to call him then it hits.
The human brain is really good at compartmentalizing grief, but it’s always there and will manifest in weird ways.
condolences. means little right now but it sounds like you had good moments with your dad you can treasure to move forward.