Hi hexbear!
You might remember me from my limited ouvre of posts including such hits as an Adrian Zenz Columbo bit and aimless whinging about extreme envy.
Anyways, tonight I basically sat down with my mom and told her that I’d been questioning my gender a lot recently, explained how that felt, showed her some resources that had helped shed light on what I was dealing with, the works.
She told me that of course she still loves me and that she’ll love me in any form I am, but I could tell she was hesitant about the idea. She began to ask when I’d started thinking about this, whether or not it could just be an issue of isolation and social anxiety. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to say anything definitive on that, but I think I answered in a way that suggested that no, it’s not just another mental issue.
After I’d said my part I asked her how she was feeling and what she was thinking. She said she was shocked and confused, and that she hadn’t seen it coming (to be fair, neither had I). I asked her if she would be okay with an eventual transition, and she responded that she would need time to “mourn her son”.
After that she really broke down. She said she was afraid of “losing me” as I was in that moment, as her son. She brought up memories of when I used to dress the same as my dad when I tagged along with him to work, the way I splashed in the bath as a kid, how I’d been all snips and snails and puppy dog tails and how my brother had always been the slightly more feminine one, but not me. She said she was scared of not knowing when the last time she would call me by my given name is. She hugged me really tightly, and she cradled my head on her chest and we just stayed like and for a while.
After a while we both settled down and ended things on a decent note. The silver lining is we made a commitment to look into some gender therapy tomorrow.
I honestly don’t know what to do. Hearing the fear and the grief in her voice just pierced me down to my core. It’s not fair to her. This woman has been through so much in her life, I could fill volumes with the trauma and hardship and plain unfairness. I don’t know if I can bear throwing the figurative death of her child at her just because it’s what I want. After hearing her so distressed I backtracked a little and reminded her I don’t know anything definitive yet (which is true, to an extent), but she knows me too well for that to work completely - she told me that she doesn’t want me to shove this feeling down and deny what I’m feeling for her sake. But honestly, I think I might have to because I can’t do this to her (and that’s not to start with the rest of my family). I don’t care if it’s not fair to me. Much easier and better for everyone to keep things as they are
Thoughts? Magical silver bullet solutions where everyone is happy? Idk I just needed to tell someone about this and this site is one of the few places I feel comfortable doing so
Well, I’m a white, cishet dude so this thread obviously needs my input. Sounds like your mom really loves you, comrade. I don’t know anything about being trans, seems like maybe she’s just got big feelings, but that doesn’t mean they’re negative ones. I hope that gender therapy and the future is beautiful for you.
Thank you for inserting yourself! I prostrate myself before your wisdom, sir
But for real that’s a good point about the feelings. With something as significant as this it can be hard to untangle emotions, and hopefully she’ll find ways to break them down and figure them out better.
But honestly, I think I might have to because I can’t do this to her (and that’s not to start with the rest of my family). I don’t care if it’s not fair to me. Much easier and better for everyone to keep things as they are
Once that egg has cracked the negative feelings for many people rise and rise and rise until they are forced to do something or have their life be at risk. You may think you can go this route, but it might destroy you.
Now that I’ve calmed down I can see that that’s probably not the answer, yeah. Whatever it is I’m feeling has to get sorted out one way or another
I think your description of this conversation was… Encouraging. Painful yes, but it seems like your barrier is that you and your family actually love each other very much. This is a much more encouraging position to be in than many borderline dysfunctional families that only become horrifically abusive as a result of these issues arising.
My first conversation with my parents about me being trans was really difficult too. They were both shocked, and my dad, who’s a social worker, immediately started trying to assess for trauma, but he forgot that I’m also a social worker and I caught that immediately lmao
My parents later told me that they were completely inconsolable for the first week or so (which REALLY FUCKING SUCKS to be told about something that feels like such a huge positive for me). But in time, they came to accept it, and they’re my biggest allies now. There are two main things that got them to that point: they started doing their own research into trans issues (including attending a support group for parents of trans people) and they saw how much happier I was. If you like, I can reach out to them to ask what books they read helped them the most.
The important thing here is that your mom really loves you- that couldn’t come through in your post any stronger. So she’ll get there. There might be frustrating fits and starts, she might fuck up your name and pronouns a bunch, but she’ll get there. Forget about all that stuff about how it would have been easier for everyone if you didn’t come out- things are going to be better for you, and so things will be better for the people who love you. Some peoples’ personalities change pretty significantly once they stop suppressing themselves, but even if that happens, it won’t be as out of left field as either of you expect because she’ll definitely have gotten little hints of your true self peeking out throughout your life. She’ll see that you’re still the same person and there’s no one to mourn, given a little bit of time to process.
I would love any kind of resources like that if you’ve got them - even if my mom doesn’t end up needing them I bet my dad will.
That idea of “little hints of your true self” inspires a lot of hope even beyond my mom’s issues. Recently I’ve been looking back at my younger self and thinking about how cool and interesting and funny they were and lamenting how dull I feel now. Maybe sorting all this out will help with that?
I’ve reached out to my parents, I’ll let you know when I get a response.
I think that might help. I had the same realization, and I think for me it comes down to the amount of energy that I put into suppressing my true self. I’m using my transition as a time to try to get that back
They recommend Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Trans and My Child is Transgender.
Seeing these books, I remember now that I actually read part of the former because I was curious what info they were getting, it was pretty good.
Give her time. She’s not losing you, and you’re still the same person, you just might have some changes happening, maybe, in the future.
She’s afraid of losing you, not of you transitioning. Most parents want to see their kids happy and healthy, and if transitioning helps you in those endeavours, and she realises it doesn’t mean you leaving, she’ll come around.
she told me that she doesn’t want me to shove this feeling down and deny what I’m feeling for her sake.
she’s already ‘around’ by the sound of it, she just needs time to adjust, as do you.
I wish you both all the best <3
Edit: idk if this will be relevant for your mom but there can also be a fear of how you will be treated by others. Dunno how to get around that one but its not something you can really control and id hope doesnt colour your or her view of things too much
She’s afraid of losing you, not of you transitioning.
I’m just worried that those two things might not be so well defined for her. She’s a wonderful person, a good mother, and very LGBTQ positive but definitely a product of her time and stuck in traditional ways of thinking - One time she was at the doctor’s for my sister’s birth control appointment and went to great lengths to tell the doc that her daughter was not sleeping around or anything like that. I just hope she can figure out that I am the same person at the end of the day
I can actually speak to this from the other side of the table: I’m an older father, and I had this exact same talk with one of my children. As a pretty seriously dedicated leftist, I’d like to say I handled it better than your mom, but… I didn’t. And I’m saying this as somebody who’s thrown hands to defend LGBT comrades in the past.
Major changes in your child’s life are scary. Especially if it’s something that’s not fully normalized in broader society yet. It’s really hard to keep your shit together in that situation—it felt like my primal ape brain short-circuited the whole system. Once I had some alone time to let the human brain take over, though, it was good. We had another sit-down the next day and I explained how, even if the whole idea scares me and it’s all uncharted waters for me, I’m on board no matter what.
Your mom sounds like she’s going to be an ally. She just needs a little time to process. Her son isn’t dying—they’re just maturing into a more authentic version of themselves, and any parent should be proud of that.
Thank you for your perspective - it’s good to hear from someone who’s been in that position before. From our conversations later last night and this morning it seems like she’s more scared and confused about what’s going to happen moving forward than anything else. I wish we had been in better circumstances when I brought this up, as we’re struggling with finding good longer term housing and finding community and security, etc. and this feels like yet another thing on our plate to take up energy and resources, especially for her as a parent.
If I might ask, how is the child you had this conversation with doing?
If I might ask, how is the child you had this conversation with doing?
Living their best life with a new name and new pronouns, but no transition on the table at the moment. We’ll see what the future holds! :stalin-heart:
