The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love is a book by bell hooks about men, patriarchy, the relationship between them, and most importantly love. It’s a book that I wish I had read much earlier, and so I decided to start a reading group. I’m a couple chapters in but will be re-reading (well, re-listening) to the chapters as we go through the book. This book is an empathetic look at masculinity, and focuses on learning how to love.
This idea was spawned by comrade @Othello@hexbear.net after I mentioned that I had been checking out the book and played the first chapter on Hextube. There is no need to pick up a copy, comrade Sen has already uploaded the entire audiobook onto Youtube. Content warnings are generously provided by Sen at the start of each chapter. Let’s start with Chapter 1. Each chapter is only about 30 minutes long, so it’s not a long commitment. I wanted to post this to c/menby but that didn’t seem to work.
Uhh I don’t know how to lead a reading group so let’s start out with some questions:
-What stood out to you about this chapter?
-Are there any ideas that bell hooks introduces in this chapter that you’ve never heard of or wish you had heard earlier in your life?
-Are there any stories in this chapter that resonate with you on a personal level?
My son was born on Father’s Day and this book was the gift my wife got me (aside from the baby, of course!) I read about half of it and found it excellent, so this is a great reason for me to go back and finish it.
Looking back on what I read, what stood out the most was the challenge of raising a child in a non patriarchal household within a patriarchal society. The anecdote about the feminist family whose son was unconcerned with gender roles untils a single instance of getting dirty looks from some older boys in the neighborhood completely altered his behavior really exemplifies what an uphill battle it is. It’s extremely important to me that my son not feel restrained by gender expectations, and especially that he not find himself needing to commit the psychic violence that hooks correctly identifies as being the root of patriarchal reinforcement.
He’s five months old now and I’ve had grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, and strangers all ask if he has a girlfriend yet. He doesn’t even know what girls and boys are but they are building these expectations that he will see women as sexual partners and all the baggage around that. It makes me sick.
I feel fortunate that I live in a diverse and progressive neighborhood that will have less pressure than the situations discussed in TWTC at different places and earlier times. However, I’m still on guard basically all the time to be sure no one teaches him to be “a real man”.
This is very difficult because of course you want to raise your child to be their authentic self, yet you don’t want to set them up to be bullied in future. Balancing the world we want to live in, with the reality of the world as it currently is. It definitely seems like an uphill battle indeed. Though you just knowing about it, already makes you better than 99% of parents out there. I’m sure you’ll do a wonderful job.
I have no idea what I’d do if I ever become a farther.
