61 points

You need ionizing radiation like UV rays or shorter wavelengths to cause cancer. Phone radios can’t generate UV rays, and that’s not an engineering/software thing, that’s Actual Physics. Furthermore, harmful ionizing radiation caused by photons would cause distinctive sunburn injuries. Also wouldn’t penetrate clothing unless it was up into x-ray radiation and you need specialized machines to do that, phones simply don’t have the power needed.

Also, cancer from radiation isn’t an instant thing, it requires years and years of compounding cell replication errors to eventually stumble into the right combination of mutations. We’re talking years to decades from initial exposure to cancer, and it’s not even 100% likely to kill you.

If the CIA wanted you dead they’d just shoot you or cut your brake lines or something similarly quick and easy.

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^this OP. Can confirm, I have a background in physics, electrical engineering, and telecommunications. Flatly, it’s not possible.

But if they want to listen to your phone calls and read your emails, yes they can. That comes down to logistics, there aren’t enough people who have access to these systems to keep close tabs on every shit poster. Plus they need a warrant if you’re a US citizen.

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14 points

^OP, trans Karen is lying to you. She’s a Fed, every cell phone created after 2006 is manufactured with a CIA cancer ray chip. ESPECIALLY the ones from China. This is well known and I have personally seen the documents that prove it.

Throw your phone in the ocean and communicate via carrier pigeon ONLY. You’ve been warned.

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hi schillmeaker, it’s me, the assistant manager from the CIA department you work in, i’m just kindly letting you know that you’re off the clock and not getting paid overtime for this. Love the enthusiasm though!

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Atta boy, trigger that psychotic delusion!

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10 points

Plus they need a warrant if you’re a US citizen.

Notably law abiding and accountable organization, the CIA/NSA.

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Yeah, there’s violations. Some dick heads did this at NSA a number of years back, then interviewed on 60 minutes or something. Like, bro, you’re saying the NSA did it (which they can), but you’re the one who literally copied personal phone conversations just for funzies, nobody ordered you to! That shit was wild.

But if there’s any charges brought before a court without that warrant, the case gets thrown out. So in short, they’ll need to disappear you if they want to directly do anything to you. So, chances are, you’re not doing something that merits that much time and effort. And if you are, you should know better than to use a registered phone.

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3 points

Always remember that. If they want to dead you will eventually just double tap yourself in the back of the head

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51 points

I actually designed this feature. They paid me in the form of a lifetime supply of those little plastic frogs that jump when you press down on them. It’s convenient because I’m always losing them.

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28 points

Entry level pay grade is spider rings, right?

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16 points

The spiders scare most people off but the benefits are underrated. Once I started making lightning bugs gummy pouches I never looked back

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15 points

Are you on track for promotion to finger traps?

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23 points

Holy shit a lifetime supply? I didn’t even know that was an option

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22 points

Yeah the trade-off is I have radiation poisoning now because they couldn’t find any QA testers in time. But I think I made the right choice they even have glow in the dark frogs

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18 points

you guys are getting paid?

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Yo, tbey hiring?

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7 points

They finally got to you, eh? I guess it’s true what they say: Everyone has a price.

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32 points

Cell phones can’t produce ionizing radiation, which is the kind that damages cells and causes cancer.

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21 points

Cell phones use really low power non-ionizing radiation to communicate. Cancer is caused by particularly unlucky mutations to genes. To get those mutations you need ionizing radiation. Cell phone antenna and transmitters are physically incapable of producing the type of energy required to alter genes. Generally, improvements in power draw to make batteries last longer keep making the signals transmit less energy- we have been getting better at using things like the spatial diversity of multiple antenna to get sufficient signal with more bandwidth and less power.

But, hey, every time you are exposed to sunlight, that is ionizing radiation (hence things like melanoma). Taking a plane flight increases your risks because gaining altitude removes some of the protective atmosphere between you and our local star.

The CIA revealed that they used to have a heart attack gun. If they are willing to admit that, then they almost certainly have something much better. Rest assured it isn’t your cellphone antenna.

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11 points
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A heart attack gun makes sense though because you can induce many ailments with the right amount of chemicals/drug cocktails and it can be fatal instantly. Giving someone cancer is doable, but just doesn’t make any sense from a strategic view.

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5 points

Giving someone cancer is also typically incredibly slow as a way to kill people. A heart attack inducer would be more useful, since it kills people right away, while a cancer-gun would kill people over several months/years.

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7 points
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Not only would it take a long time, I imagine the results would be extremely random to the point it would be unreliable as an execution method. Carcinogens, and the way each person’s body reacts to them, are highly unpredictable. That’s why health disclaimers on carcinogenic products say “may cause cancer” and not “will cause cancer.”

It would be far easier to just shoot or stab the target and make it look like a robbery gone bad or something.

Reminds me of that scene from Austin Powers where they parody those intricate death traps in James Bond films…

Dr. Evil: I’m going to kill Mr. Powers by putting him in an overly elaborate and easily escapable contraption and assume it all went according to plan.

Scott: Why don’t you just get a gun and shoot him? He’s right there!

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As long as you aren’t made of magnets you’re probably fine

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Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

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